Boundaries

I completely admit I’ve not been great with boundaries which has led me to live life in a very unbalanced way. But I’m working on it.

Not having boundaries, and being empathic in nature has enabled me to take on responsibilities that are not mine and feeling completely overwhelm, useless, unworthy, anxious and depressed.

In 2022 I started to really work on my boundaries and my responsibilities.

An example of this is when I was in my 20s I felt I needed to be our family meditator and make sure all the relationships between everyone in my family of five were working, healthy and going well. But this is impossible! But I don’t actually have any control of how anyone else thinks or acts. So I wrote a new story in my mind that lets me know that I am only responsible for the relationships I am in.

My relationship with my mum, my dad, my brothers etc. Not the relationships between them.

For me a sense of over responsibility and boundaries goes hand and hand. If you have a clear sense of your individual responsibilities you can start to establish clear boundaries to help support them.

So here a few questions I asked myself to start to create my boundaries so I can live aligned to my values?

  1. What are your boundaries with your kids?

    • Do you have a separate space that do not go in?

    • Do you have certain topics or events you do or don’t discuss with them?

  2. What are your boundaries with your spouse?

    • When do you talk about and address issues?

    • How do you want to connect with your partner?

    • How do you communicate with your partner?

    • How do you both initiate intimacy?

    • What are you not willing to tolerate? What are the deal breakers?

  3. What are you boundaries when it comes to work?

    • When and where do you work?

    • How do you deal with things that come up outside of your work hours?

    • How do you manage communication with your boss?

    • How do you manage communication with your team?

    • What are you areas of responsibility? And how do you deal when things pop up outside them? Do you automatically say yes, or can you ask more questions? Can you buy some time to think about your response?

    • What are you not willing to tolerate? What are the deal breakers?

  4. What are your physical boundaries?

    • For example; who can be in your personal space?

    • Who is allowed into your home space, or your bedroom?

    • Who is allowed to touch your body?

  5. What are your verbal boundaries?

    • Who do you talk to about different parts of your life?

    • Who can you be vulnerable around?

These are just a few questions to get you started. But think about your ideal life and then the structure you need to live it.

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Inner Critic vs Compassionate self