Talk Therapy
I’m a huge advocate for talk therapy. I first saw a Psychologist when I was 23 to start figuring out my relationship with my mum and over the years I sought out different therapists who have used different therapy modalities so I thought i’d talk about the different ones I’ve tried and what they’ve taught me. I’ve also seen counsellors over the years and even a couples counsellor who I find are great for listening, but I haven’t found them as helpful as qualified psychologists to get to the root of dysfunctional thoughts and behaviours.
We have no problem with going to a doctor if our knee is sore, so I truly don’t understand the stigma about seeking support. It’s not a weakness to want to understand yourself better, if anything it’s strength!
As you may be getting a sense throughout this website I have no shame in asking for help or support, no shame in being wrong or admitting that I don’t know something. I’m only as good as the experiences I have and the lessons I learn. My parents did their best and in many ways did an awesome job, but they are also from a generation that didn’t speak or learn about so much themselves.
Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
My experience of working in a CBT modality is that it’s a framework to help you understand your triggers, thoughts, emotions and behaviours. Here is a wee flow diagram to show how they interconnect and flow. And it’s important to note that this can happen in a split second and can pass you by unless you make a concerted effort to self analyse and practise interrupting the process.
When I first started using this framework I would actually draw four columns on a piece of paper and write them down so I could see how it all worked. I’ve also done this with my son and oldest step daughter to get them to understand that when we react to something we can break it down and understand why.
Any example of this is; when I first left home I found myself getting really angry at my mum. This is what initially triggered me to go to therapy. So an example of this would be something like…
Trigger - Mum would try to call me and I’d see her name flash up on my phone while I’m at work
Thought - F*ck! I’m at work and I don’t’ have time for this, she doesn’t respect my choice to work.
Emotion/s - Anger, Frustration, Disrespect
Behaviour - I’d pick up the phone and just be really blunt and rude to her which sometimes upset her, which made me circle back around to thoughts and emotions.
So overtime when I started identifying my triggers, thoughts, feelings and behaviours I could set up boundaries or change my behaviours so that I wouldn’t go through the process of hurting her when it could have been avoided.
Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
I first came across ACT with my game changing sixth concussion. I was so highly anxious, worried, scared, didn’t know who I was etc. The list goes on. So the Concussion Psychologist introduced me to ACT which helped me calm my mind over the weeks.
Again, it’s just noticing how your brain works.
The other thing, which may or may not be apart of ACT is that just introducing and using the word “Acceptance” in the way I think about the relationships in my life has been highly beneficial. To accept people as they are, to accept life as it is.
Instead of battling why people are the way they are this modality helped me understand that I have a set of values that differ to others, and although certain people share certain values we’re all individual. So just accepting that we’re all different has helped me let go of so much.
Eye Movement Desenitization and Reprocessing (EMDR)
EMDR is a psychotherapy that enables people to heal from the symptoms and emotional distress that are the result of disturbing life experiences.” Copied from emdr.com.
I came across it through my concussion rehabilitation to help me reprocess various traumas throughout my life. We’re all humans, we all experience stress, fear, distress, fear etc that can create trauma. It’s so much more than what you read in the headlines about severe violence, sexual assault, injury etc. It can be something “simple” that you don’t even realise at the time how it changes your life.
Over the years I’ve had various forms - if you’ve read through this site you’ll know I’ve had multiple concussions which created trauma, I’ve also been sexually assaulted, been in an unhealthy psychologically controlling relationship, been abandoned by Isaac’s father shortly after birth - each of these have shaped my experience of the world and created systems of beliefs, thoughts and emotions that have been essential, but at times, unhelpful!
So how does it work? Basically you sit in a room with a EMDR therapist and they use a light or tapping in a relaxed meditative state to help you connect thoughts or memories back to each other. It doesn’t hurt, it’s not scary, it’s not nessecarily immediate. It took me a few sessions to get through a few different things.
If you’ve had any form of PTSD or trauma and you’re open to exploring it I’d highly recommend this as a form of therapy. But obviously have a think about your circumstances and find the right thing for you.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)
“Dialectical behaviour therapy (DBT) is a type of talking therapy. It's based on cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT), but it's specially adapted for people who feel emotions very intensely.
The aim of DBT is to help you:
Understand and accept your difficult feelings
Learn skills to manage them
Become able to make positive changes in your life
‘Dialectical’ means trying to understand how two things that seem opposite could both be true. For example, accepting yourself and changing your behaviour might feel contradictory. But DBT teaches that it's possible for you to achieve both these goals together.” Copied from mind.org.uk.
I had a fairly instence mental health thing in mind 2022 - I guess some would call it a burnout. I was taking on too much, became overly stressed, started having panic attacks and was waking 5-7 times a night in a state of distress. Then I snapped!
But snapping was one of the best things that happened to me. You’d think after the many challenges I’d been through I’d have learned to protect myself, acknowledge and be in tune with myself. But when I get stressed I lose all that.
I did a 12 week anxiety and depression group that had lots of DBT based skills, which is what you’ll find on this site.
My biggest take away is life isn’t for trying to avoid or suppress your “negative” emotions. (I put negative in speech marks because an emotion is just an emotion, it’s only our labelling that makes them good or bad. Sometime Anger is good, sometimes anxiety is good). It’s about recognising your emotions, observing why they’ve arrived and then regulating and taking action if you need to. Sometimes you don’t need to do anything except notice them.
The active or passive avoidance is what creates the trouble for ourselves.
There are loads of resources online, that help with different situations or scenarios. Practice them when your chill, build some learning time into your week!